


dreaming every moment of you

by uncleanobscene



Category: The Dark Artifices Series - Cassandra Clare, The Shadowhunter Chronicles - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Anal Sex, Angst, Dubious Consent, Emotional Manipulation, M/M, Mentioned Canonical Major Character Death, Oral Sex, Pseudo-Incest, Psychic Bond, Spit As Lube, my kinks are bad and i should feel bad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-02
Updated: 2020-09-02
Packaged: 2021-03-06 20:48:14
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,050
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26245174
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/uncleanobscene/pseuds/uncleanobscene
Summary: “You’re lonely.” Gentle as a whisper, Sebastian wrapped his arms around Jace, his hands coming to rest on Jace’s chest. “Aren’t you, Jace?”
Relationships: Jonathan Christopher Morgenstern | Sebastian Verlac/Jace Wayland
Comments: 4
Kudos: 39





	dreaming every moment of you

**Author's Note:**

> Here's some filth I wrote a year ago and then I edited recently to make it okay to post. This takes place in Thule, because nothing on earth can convince me that Sebastian wasn't fucking Jace in Thule. Title is lyrics from The Dreamer by Amigo the Devil.

Jace could still fight. He wasn’t a Shadowhunter anymore, but he could still fight. What did it matter, then, if he was fighting in the name of demons rather than angels? What did it matter that instead of fighting to keep Clary safe, he was fighting for the brother she hated and feared? What did it matter that Alec was dead, too?

The answer was that it didn’t matter. Nothing mattered, in a world without Clary. 

The pain of the injuries on his arms and chest felt like clarity. He’d tracked down some former Shadowhunters not yet made Endarkened in an attempt to do...something, anything. All he had to show for it was another pile of dead bodies and a couple stab wounds. _Best Shadowhunter in the world._

He didn’t know how long he’d just been laying on the couch when Sebastian came in. Jace didn’t have to look at the opening door to tell who it was. He knew it was Sebastian from the sound of the footfalls, had grown to be even more aware of Sebastian’s presence than his own. He took in a breath. 

“Jace,” Sebastian said, his voice clipped. “What did you do?” 

“Got in a fight,” Jace said. Sebastian stalked over to the couch, and Jace finally looked over at him. Blood was soaking through his shirt in the same places as Jace’s stab wounds, his face stony. Jace knew he should sit up, as Sebastian loomed over him, but he didn’t want to. 

“You _know_ when you get hurt, I get hurt too,” Sebastian continued. “And runes don’t work anymore.” A flashbang memory of punching the window in Idris, Alec telling him he’d have to heal like a mundane so he could learn his lesson. Alec was dead now, would never say anything to Jace again. Jace laughed before he could stop himself. 

That was the wrong thing to do. Sebastian grabbed him by the collar of his shirt and hauled him into a sitting position, hard enough that it made him wince. 

“That was selfish of you,” Sebastian said. Jace could feel Sebastian’s breath on his face. “We need to watch out for each other. _You_ need to watch out for me. That’s what you’re good for.” 

“I didn’t think about it,” Jace said. “I’m sorry.” He didn’t really mean it. He was pretty sure Sebastian could tell he didn’t, hoped he could, in fact. The idea of Sebastian being mad at him felt right. It would be something. 

But instead of yelling, instead of hurting him, instead of doing anything, Sebastian simply let go of his shirt and stepped back. Jace felt strangely bereft, a puppet whose strings had been cut. He swayed to his feet and walked past Sebastian over to the curtained window. This apartment was just a temporary place, not home. Nothing was ever going to feel like home again.

If Jace opened the curtains, all he’d see was a devastated, empty landscape where a city used to be. There was no point in doing that.

“It’s alright,” Sebastian said behind him. “It’s alright. I forgive you.” 

Jace blinked. Even more than usual, he couldn’t quite say what he was feeling. Sebastian’s voice had been so quiet when he said that. 

“Oh,” Jace said. He heard the light clack of Sebastian’s footsteps coming up behind him. He stopped just behind Jace, perhaps looking over Jace’s shoulder. At what, though? The curtains were closed. 

“You’re lonely.” Gentle as a whisper, Sebastian wrapped his arms around Jace, his hands coming to rest on Jace’s chest. “Aren’t you, Jace?” 

“Yes,” Jace answered. He couldn’t stop himself. He _was_ lonely, so lonely. It was a pit inside him that had opened up when he saw Clary lying dead, and it was never going to close. Something had broken in him that would never be mended. 

“I’m lonely too,” Sebastian murmured. Jace could feel Sebastian’s heartbeat against his back, steady, in time with his own. His fingers rubbed circles on Jace’s chest. “We don’t have to be lonely.” He moved a hand higher, to the pulse on Jace’s neck. His breath was hot on Jace’s ear. “We have each other.” 

“What?” Jace said, more because he felt he should than any real sense of confusion. There wasn’t anything ambiguous or brotherly about the way Sebastian was touching him, or in the way his body was responding to it. He expected to feel disgust, aversion, revulsion, but he didn’t. Not at all.

“How do you intend to live now?” Sebastian said. “Do you want to spend the rest of your life forgetting about Clary with a series of redheaded strangers? I tried that. It wasn’t much.” 

“I’m not going to do anything,” Jace said. One of Sebastian’s hands moved lower, sweeping over a laceration on Jace’s chest. They both winced. “I don’t need anyone.” 

“We both know that isn’t true. Everyone needs someone, and we’re all we have.” Sebastian shifted his head, nuzzling into Jace’s neck. Any lingering doubt about what Sebastian had been implying evaporated with that one motion. Without really meaning too, Jace arched back into Sebastian’s touch. He could feel Sebastian’s smile against his skin. “You want to, don’t you?”

“I…” 

“Be honest with me, Jace,” Sebastian said. The hand on Jace’s side was slipping definitively lower, sliding toward his hip now. Jace was having trouble breathing, and not just from the light pressure of Sebastian’s hand on his throat. “I _know_ you want to.”

“Yes.” Saying it was almost painful, but he couldn’t stop himself. It was like it was being drawn out of him. “ _Yes_.”

Sebastian grasped Jace’s shoulders and turned him around, backing him up against the window. Jace still couldn’t read Sebastian’s expression, but his dark eyes were alight with something as he brought his mouth to Jace’s. His back thumped against the window, the jolt of pain from his wounds barely noticeable against the whir of confusion and sensation surrounding him. Sebastian’s lips were soft and his fingers rested on Jace’s hip, achingly close to where Jace wanted to be touched. 

Dimly, Jace recalled Sebastian taunting him about how it felt to kiss Clary. This wasn’t that different. The tilt of Sebastian’s head was the same, the rhythm of his breathing, even the fit of his body against Jace’s felt familiar. Clary was never going to kiss him again. This was the closest he could get, would ever get again. He let his mouth fall open and put a hand in Sebastian’s hair to draw Sebastian closer to him. Even the way his hair felt under Jace’s touch was almost like Clary’s. Sebastian smirked against his mouth and finally, finally moved his fingers to Jace’s cock.

Jace was surprised at how quickly he came undone under Sebastian’s touch. It made sense. It’d been a long time for him. He hadn’t really been with anyone since Clary, and with her, he’d never had the chance to go that far. Would never get the chance. Jace didn’t want to think about Clary right now, but it was almost impossible not to. Sebastian’s fingers were as delicate as hers, and they were agonizingly slow. Jace started moving his hips to try and get more friction, drown out the thoughts he didn’t want to be thinking with feelings instead. 

Sebastian chuckled, and then drew his hand back. Jace couldn’t bite back a whimper, which only seemed to amuse Sebastian further. 

“Pathetic,” He said against Jace’s neck. Jace tried to say something in return, but all that came out was another shaky breath. Any attempt at another come back was cut off when Sebastian kissed his neck, then his collarbone, then lower and lower.

If Sebastian’s hands were clever, his mouth was even better. Jace wasn’t sure if it was skill, or the link between them, or just deprivation that was making this so good, but past a certain point, he didn’t care. It had been too long since he’d felt this much. He’d stopped trying to not make noise, and every moan that slipped from his mouth only seemed to encourage Sebastian. When Sebastian started moving faster, trying harder, Jace couldn’t help but put a hand in his white-blond hair. 

It was almost enough. Almost. Jace’s knees felt weak, and putting his hand on Sebastian had been a mistake, the gesture too intimate, too much like how he’d touch Clary. He tried to just focus on the pure physically of the moment. God, he used to be able to do that, not think about the other person at all, just what he was feeling, but Clary had ruined that. 

He was being loud, too loud–anyone near the apartment must have known what was going on. Jace drew in a shaky breath. He was close. 

“Clary,” He whispered, unable to stop himself. “ _Clary.”_

Sebastian stopped, drew back, and Jace felt a cold stab of fear at the realization of what he’d said. Sebastian grabbed his shirt and pulled him to the ground, pain flaring in his wounds yet again at the impact. 

“I…” Jace said. He couldn’t pull together an apology. He could barely think. Sebastian stared at him with those cold black eyes.

“No. It’s alright.” Sebastian leaned forward, cupped Jace’s face. “I miss her too. I don’t want you to just forget about her.” 

Jace wanted to say something, anything, but he couldn’t form the words. When he opened his mouth to try, Sebastian placed his fingers in Jace’s mouth, wetting them with Jace’s spit.

“I want us to remember her,” He said. “We’ll remember her together.” 

Jace wasn't surprised when Sebastian pressed a finger inside of him. It seemed like the natural progression of events. He just clutched onto Sebastian’s shoulder with one hand, the strength of his grip betraying some feeling he didn't understand and couldn't convey.

“You want me,” Sebastian said. Jace could hear the cold amusement seeping from his voice. “You want me to fuck you.” 

“Yes.” Jace arched his back as Sebastian slipped another finger into him, the feeling changing from pressure into something more. Sebastian moved in closer, his mouth next to Jace’s ear. 

“Beg for it.” 

Part of Jace rebelled at the thought. A few weeks ago he would have killed Sebastian for saying that, but now any anger he felt was buried under piles of _need._ He needed to feel something. He needed to not be alone. 

“Please,” he said. “I need it. Please, Sebastian.”

“Please what?” 

“Please fuck me.” Jace was practically writhing now. He couldn't even bring himself to be embarrassed, he didn't care what he had to say or how low he had to bring himself. “I–I need it, you can do anything to me, just please–”

Sebastian silenced him with a kiss and removed his fingers. With a composed grace, he aligned their hips.

“Good enough,” He said, and pushed his cock into Jace.

Apparently, they didn't share just pain, and the bit of it that Jace felt was drowned out by the other sensations. Jace clung to Sebastian with a ferocity that surprised even himself, neither of them seeming to mind their wounds anymore. He'd expected it to be to be harsh, cruel even, but Sebastian was moving with tenderness.

This wasn't something he could compare to Clary, to anything, and not just because of the physicality. He didn't feel like himself anymore, didn't know what he felt at all, and that was good. He pressed his face into Sebastian's shoulder and let himself forget.

When the pain faded entirely, Jace stopped thinking at all and just felt. Their movements grew more and more urgent, each thrust bringing Jace closer and closer until he tipped over the edge and was carried away in a wave of raw pleasure. He was only dimly aware of Sebastian spilling inside him a few moments later.

Neither of them said a word as Jace waited for his heartbeat to slow down. As thought returned to him, he tried to muster up some feeling of disgust, or shame, of hatred, but he just couldn't. Even the constant pang of loneliness was dulled by the weight of Sebastian’s body on his. What did it matter? He wasn't alone. He didn't ever want to be alone again. He held Sebastian tighter.


End file.
